Sairam friends,
I usually send long mails when ever I write to someone important. Surprisingly, just to console me when I am really depressed, one of my Sai friend in Delhi Shamya wrote a long mail. I wish to write a complete article with what she expressed because it was truly touching. She seems to know Sai’s soul better than me. I learnt a lot from her.
What I liked the most from her mail is the following words
“My beloved Baba gets sad whenever anyone in the world is unhappy’
This was answering me straight in my heart.
Actually, On Thursday morning, I saw something as I walked to work from parking lot which made me anxious all the day. I tried to chant Sai’s holy name and Mahalakshmi of Shirdi as I believe she’s the Goddess of protection. I asked myself why should I care like this? It’s meaningless. Still I could not stop myself as I feared something isn’t right.
I usually don’t talk to my Sister over phone more than 2 minutes. Only when she’s on skype, I simply speak to her and that too since I love Katya so much. But I get really annoyed if my Sister doesn’t pick the phone sometime when we call her. I immediately start to fear so much. This is basically a weakness in me. If anyone dear to me seems to have a problem, I imagine a lot and start to pray frantically. I felt similar fear in me but had no way to clarify. I felt good as I went to Saibaba temple near my office and prayed to take care. After that, I felt little better.
Again, by evening, I started getting fear and kept praying Mahalakshmi of Shirdi. I wrote about Mahalakshmi temple in Shirdi in this article – Why I fail in all that I dream to do?
I felt really happy for offering Saree to her when I visited her during March 2016.
Today, I felt much better and never bothered. I told Sai, why should we care? We have got nothing to do and simply assuming things aren’t right. People live their life and they get all the care they need from their dear one’s. What change can prayer of this ordinary human being bring when my prayers can’t do good to myself? My prayer was induced due to fear as I don’t know if everything is fine or it isn’t.
I told Saibaba to help me change myself as its not going to take me any where. Sai teach me to be detached. As long as anyone I care and their family seems to be doing well, I don’t have to worry much. I must believe Sai is taking care of everyone and must not get such fear anymore. Its making me feel a pain in chest and I had this pain back in 2013. Thankfully, only Thashi messaged me that I must be calm and think positively.
Apart from this, I could not speak to anyone to relax myself too. One of this girl never talked much to me past 2 days saying she’s busy. So today, I felt that I too must not talk to her as it will help me practice being calm. But I could not control and sent this image to my Bahen saying she changed a lot and not speaking to me purposely.
Look! Season and Humans keep changing
I send this to her everyday and bug her saying she changed. she changed. She just smiles for it.
The other girls said they won’t talk to me since I took the survey which I posted in this article – I live and Die for Sai’s words. I told her that its just for fun. She said there’s nothing funny in that. May be, I would have not done that.
Today. I was basically keeping myself happy all the day. Infact, I listened to one of this beautiful song my friend suggested me in my mobile. I asked him if he can suggest any other beautiful song. I did not like the tune but loved the lyrics so much. I was touched how people can write so gracefully. Goddess Saraswati has blessed them to write.
I am not a good writer. You can see how many mistakes I do while writing and since I write in hurry, I don’t even bother to do a typo check.
I don’t have good oratory skills. I just manage somehow these days making videos for Sai.
I can’t sing
I don’t know how I can serve Saibaba with lack of these basic skills?
Gotta keep improving.
This evening, as long as I was in work place, I was relaxed. Only after I came out, I started getting some fear but tried to divert myself. One of this guy could not tolerate me playing the same Tamil song again and again. All of us noticed it. So today, we blocked him in the parking and asked if he will listen to the song fully or agree to get us snacks and coffee. he he…
It was already 8.30 at night. I was complaining that I could not make it to Saibaba temple. I asked my friend if we can park my car in his flat and go by bike to temple just to stand out side the gate. I think he must have thought I am insane.
Going to Saibaba temple after its closed, standing outside gate for 5 minutes and coming back home happily
I have done this on several occasions. Ask me what I gain by doing this? I have no answer. Saibaba is every where right? I can come home, light a lamp and pray Saibaba. Why going to Saibaba temple is important? The answer is simple. I feel relaxed in an outside environment. Why we have temples? We all need a space where we can connect with divinity in an environment made for it. Further, the whole process of traveling towards the temple, worshiping and coming back adds to mental peace.
I asked him if we can go to Saibaba temple near office but it was already 9. I literally had a pain in my chest which continues until now. Its a kind of fear in me for no reason. I tried to listen to songs to divert myself but the pain is still deep in me. Bayama iruku Sai. Are we going in the right path?
My friend took me back home in the road I like the most. Since I am coughing a lot my parents asked me not to bath as usual at night. Sometimes, I ask them why they allow my sister to bath at night in the U.S (Even during winter) and why control me like this? They said she comes from lab due to her research work and hence it makes sense. I still have this habit of comparing how my parents treat me and my Sister as we both used to argue when we were kids. We all don’t command my sister as she shouts back on face….he he.. We just love her for what she is.
I was asking myself why I have this pain? Further, I was asking Saibaba when I will stop having such imaginary fear when ever I assume something is wrong with anyone I care for? Only after I saw this mail from Shamya, I felt convinced myself with this justification.
May be, the fear is not mine but that of the Sai living in my heart. You know, During Baba’s life time, when a devotee is having a problem some where in a far off places, here Baba will act strange. At times, Baba used to shout and even behave very abnormal. Only later they will come to know that Sai has saved a particular devotee from a danger ahead of them.
So may be, its Sai’s care on his very own children and not mine. Having said that, I must have such care on everyone equally right? Why should someone become very important suddenly? That’s the difference between Sai and us.
We are selfish. I am selfish.
Sai isn’t
Saibaba loves every single Man, Women and Child equally.
I must learn to be like him.
Having said that, I still don’t like the way a fear emerges in me when someone I care doesn’t seem to be alright.
“Fear” must never be a part of me when I am so much devoted to Saibaba.
Here after, when ever anyone I care seems to have a problem, I wish to think positive and pray. The negative imagination that something happened to them or their family member could be ignored. Sai eradicate fear from me. I wish to live with a clear mind.
As Sai always says
“Why fear when I am here”
My beloved Sai takes care of everyone and brings happiness in their life.
Om Sai Ram
Venkat
Edit:
I went to shop this morning. It was raining and I enjoyed the drive. I had lunch at 3.30 in the evening and told Baba, you come in dream, I will hug you and sleep. I slept. I saw Sai statue in which Saibaba is wearing a Maroon kafni. It was almost like a shirt in silky maroon color. I woke up and doing a search to find out what Sai means. What are you trying to convey Sai? Is that a statue in someone’s home as it was small. I am going to search for similar statue in temple shop. I am starting to temple now. Tata
Sai Ram