I don’t deserve to be happy. I shouldn’t even laugh

Sairam friends,

When ever I laugh a lot making fun of others or telling some jokes, deep in me I get a fear that I am going to equally be sad and depressed. Today, I had lots of fun irritating everyone at work saying I am going to get a Keyboard and learn piano. I kept on doing all nonsense. One of this guy said, You will learn piano and play in Saibaba temple. Suddenly Statue won’t be there. Baba will run away listening to the noise you make. Even in the evening, I bothered everyone saying I am gonna get back to learning Music.

My friend said you are too old to learn. So you focus on what you know like Photography.

The problem with me is that I don’t ever take leave to work that easily. I never helped my parents taking off. Tommorow after many years, I have some important work to do.

Somehow, today, I feel too dejected and depressed.

I think that I don’t deserve to be happy and shouldn’t even laugh so much. May be, I am annoying everyone at work and bothering them. I tried a lot to be calm without opening my mouth but seems people are used to my noise and hence they ask what happened if I don’t speak. Deep in me, something tells me that I am supposed to shut my mouth and never laugh at all. I don’t know to change myself Baba.

I think everything is coming to an end in my life. I don’t like to live like this. I wish to be lost some where and never return. One of my friend who knows everything I went through showed me a song which was like a guy getting upset due to a girl and said I think this song is for you. I felt very painful but its my own mistake. Why should I share what Baba told me in dreams to my close friends? Even my parents won’t believe me. My Sister won’t have time even to speak few words to me in a week. So I won’t tell about what ever is happening in my life to her.

I thought that I must do lots of photography, filmmaking and even learn Music there by take all my negative energy and depression into a positive work of art. But tonight, I realized that I am supposed to be sad, even more sad and depressed. Most of my behaviour is like someone who is not mentally stable. Atleast when it comes to the way I do every single thing in life based on Sai dreams.

I was telling my friend this morning when he took me in his car that seems I must have been born as a mentally unstable kid. In the last minute, God found some good deeds I did in previous birth and made me a normal kid. So some symptoms of mental illness seems to be in me. I am crazy. Foolish..Stupid and really pathetic. I don’t expect anything from Sai by reacting to his dreams too. When you see someone happy, you want them to be happy forever. So I told my friend that I only pray this girl get married soon because that’s the respect I give to Sai’s words. Even if its unrealistic, Guru’s words must have some meaning to make my life better.

In Guru Charitra, the saint Narasimha Saraswati who lived in 13th century speaks to a devotee who has some desire. The Guru gives him a dried stem of fig tree and asks him to water it for it to grow. The devotee takes his Guru’s words, plants the dried stem and waters it believing that it will grow. Many villagers who see his activity teases him saying ‘How can a dried stem grow as a plant and then a tree?”

The devotee bears all the insults and continues to water the plant. Finally, the dried stem shows sign of life. Leaves starts to spring up and it really grows as a plant to become a tree.

The villagers were astonished but the devotee said that he trusted his Guru’s words with heart and soul and hence he is not surprised.

I follow Saibaba’s words in dreams like this devotee. If I don’t follow Sai’s words even for a day, Baba will show sign that something really bad is ahead of me. So I cannot live like others and be practical. May be, Sai wants me to go through all this embarrassing situation as I would have sinned this girl in some birth. Its all karmic. I have to be calm and experience it. After some time when Sai thinks its time to relieve me, he will make me come out of this worries.

There must not be a devotee like me for Sai.

I think Sai can’t bear me any more.

I told Baba to take me away.

Why should I always laugh. I keep showing my teeth to everyone when they are busy doing their work. I must be calm and delve into myself. There’s nothing in me to be happy. I am artificially trying to induce happiness in me just teasing everyone.

I am not able to sleep now.

I feel sick. Atleast my health was good. Now I lost it.

Many times my friends are asking why I am not coming in my car to work. Well. Its too depressing to drive back home all alone. I get into worries. When I am with someone else, I atleast talk or listen to a song. When I am alone its hard for me not to think about the way my life has become.

I will write all this and again make fun of others and show my teeth. I am doing too much drama and Sai too hates me now a days.

I had enough Baba.

Please don’t expect me to write positive and inspiring messages every single day. I reached a point where I can’t digest what you did to me in the past 4 month.

And for regular followers of StarSai and people who care for me.

Don’t worry. I will be alright.

I am just expressing what comes to my mind right now ..Its 2.15 at night.

I will be alright when I wake up

I hope so

Venkat