A fear deep in my chest which dissolves when I read Sainath Stavan Manjari

Sairam friends,

I finally analyzed the right meaning for the dream I had yesterday. I went to Airport yesterday aftertoon and for a moment I thought to myself “I wish to travel places”. May be, I assumed its a super cool life for people who frequently travel abroad or any other places. At night, Sai showed me a dream as if I am walking near a huge compound wall of Mumbai airport and I see a soldier standing in the corner of airport and guarding it though it was heavily raining.

May be Sai means to clarify me that there’s nothing cool about Airport, Flights or travelling abroad. People might think that its cool to travel several countries or places in India but every job has its own hardships. My close friend is an air hostess and I know how hard she had to work. She wakes up late night to attend early morning flights. She lost her job in Jet airways and now lives in another country far away from her family. She enjoys her job but I worry about her. Over the years, when I come across so many such Sai children, I get a kind of fatherly affection on them and its hard to ignore such feeling.

Basically, Saibaba seems to tell me that I have false idea of happiness and I must be content with what I have. I already am but may be he don’t even wanted me to worry that I am not that successful.

This afternoon, I was mailing on behalf of someone to participate in an event in Singapore when one of my friend said “Anyway, You are not going to go” and I told him “I don’t wanted to go because I am happy here in Coimbatore”. May be, Sai gave me the dream to reinstate that I must be careful about not accepting to travel any where because my parents need me here. My Ma’s foot pain has to be taken care and I hope Sai heals her soon. I can’t bear looking at her limping every night to walk.

Later, I went with my friends to Shirdi Saibaba temple 2 kms from my office. Being Krishna Janmashtami, it was crowded and we got very little prasad and all of us were hungry. So I requested my friends to get me biscuits and came back to work whole they all had food in canteen.

The past one month, I get a kind of fear deep in my chest every single evening. The whole day, I tease and make fun of others when ever I get chance. Today, I felt all the humor and jokes in me got saturated  and no body wants to listen to me anymore. I kept telling to this girl that all are busy and she’s busy and none has time for me. If I don’t have fun to make, I atleast like to irritate others.

After all this, when I am about to start from work, I have this fear emerging deep in my chest. Today, I told myself “Everything is fine and Baba wants me to be happy. So I must not let this fear grow”. After all these efforts, I still feel the fear haunting me. This is probably due to my Mom’s health, my own insecurity or worries about my life.

On Thursday, I could not go to Nagasai mandir as its too crowded. Even if I go, I either clean the lamps tray or stand in parking lot and stare at the Baba on terrace. So now a days, I feel like going to the Saibaba temple near workplace. The Dwarakamai in this temple is yet to be lit. There’s only one tube light. I love this darkness. I feel close to Saibaba when I sit there.

Last week Thursday, I went to the temple alone. I sat in the Dwarakamai until 8.45 and read Sainath Stavan Manjari. It was full moon day and I felt so nice.

Today, I requested my friend to join me. So we both went there at around 7.40 at night.

We had darshan. I met one of my friend who used to come to Nagasai. Then, I walked to Dwarkamai and told my friend about last weeks experience. I told him some incidents during Sai’s life time in Shirdi.

Saibaba wants you to tolerate 

I told him that Sathe was a wonderful devotee who was the first to build a wada (lodging). Today there are more than 700 hotels and even few Star hotels in Shirdi but when Baba lived Sathe was first to build the Wada and later Dixit built a wada for devotees to stay.

Sathe got married at the age of 50 and had children. Another devotee who was very harsh and rustic used to hate Sathe. He once used  a sharp broken glass piece and stretched it on Sathe’s head. Sathe was bleeding and was about to take a stone and beat that devotee. ( I forgot his name..)

Baba on seeing Sathe getting furious shouted thus “Saheb. Don’t do it”.

Saibaba is not supporting the harsh devotee but he don’t want Sathe to get down below his standards and throw a stone. Sai is not a saint who will punish someone who harms you. Sometimes, Sai wants you to divert your mind and focus on something productive. Why should we go for argument with people who don’t have any decency?

There are girls who mail me asking why Saibaba is not punishing the guy who cheated them etc. Well. Law of karma works on its own. You just be thankful to Sai for securing your life from this moment. Do not worry about why others who hurt you are happy. May be, Sai baba wants you to tolerate such people and move ahead in life.

I told my friend that I wanted to read Sainath Stavan Manjari.

I started reading aloud. I feel a little odd to read aloud in English sitting in a temple but it makes me feel good. The fear in me gradually gets reduced. I must say it got dissolved because we never know why remembering Saint by reading mantra or chanting has the power to change our mind and life. The fear doesn’t completely go away but I feel light after I read this holy hymn written by Das Ganu Maharaj. I told my friend that Das Ganu wrote it sitting in the banks of a river Narmada.

I like this quote

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” ― Plato

True devotion can be felt when we become one with Sai

You know, I go to Saibaba temple almost every day but only on very few occasions I feel truly devoted. Its a kind of feeling you only can experience on your own. This moment, when I write this, I feel one with Sai. My whole life is made of Sai and Sai alone. My home is made of Sai.

I told my friend that many years back, I had a website in my name. Once Baba told me that sites name and said “Write 100 articles praising Sai”

I wish to tell stories of Saibaba. I wish to speak so much about Sai.

Wish I spend day and night remembering Sai and Sai alone.

I am not going to be a saint but what more is there in my life? I wanted to truly, madly, and deeply love Saibaba the way he must be loved.

Sai likes such devotion.

My heart is now melting remembering Saibaba.

I love you Sai and I have so much to speak about you. So much that none has time to listen.

and

I love you so much that none could believe such a love can exist between a Guru and his humble servant.

Such much love!

Venkat