Sairam friends,
No matter how hard I try to forget an incident , its getting repeated in my mind especially since I felt Sai has a role to play in it and suddenly it looks as if I behaved on my own. Sai must atleast answer me why he did that to me? When he was silent, I am not able to agree with his ways. I could not resist myself and wrote an article which I would have never written if I were in a good mood.
Last night, I slept at 1.30. I had the following dream
It was as if my Mom is in tears looking at my Father. He complains of a wound and bleeding. He had hid that from us for 2 days and showed it to us finally.
It was a short dream and I really got scared of it. I woke up and found it was 3.30 early in the morning. So I came to my room, lit lamp and spoke to Saibaba. I realized he’s with me but not happy with the way I don’t trust his words. He made me realize how my Father was in April 2016 and what pain he was going through.
Sai means to say
“Din’t I heal him and saved him? Is this the kind of trust have in my words?”
Saints uses dreams in various ways. One of the way is this. What ever difficulty is supposed to happen in reality, they at times show in dream. So instead of a devotee suffering in real, he will make him go through that momentary pain in a dream. In the last 4 month, Sai has showed me several dreams as if my Father has excruciating pain, as if my Father is admitted in hospital and going through a painful surgery etc.
I know how Sai works. With so much of experience, I must have remained calm and not worried about how others might perceive me. I just could not bear when I reacted for his words without even thinking practically and I feel really embarrassed now. I expected Saibaba to bless me with a dream and guide me after I completed reading Sai Satcharita. When it did not happen, I started questioning him and if this is what he wants me to get into?
I told Saibaba that I don’t need any answer. I had such experiences in past too where I do something based on his dreams and end up badly. Sometimes, we must accept what ever happens to us as long as we followed Guru’s words. I believe it will take some time for me to forget it.
Let’s assume my anger has reduced but I am still not satisfied Sai. Do something to convince me that you were involved in the whole episode. There must not be a thing in my life in which I acted on my own. This is hurting me to core.
Anyway, its not right to question this poor fakir of Shirdi who has always been kind to me. So I leave it to him. I trust his words. I will trust for lifetime. As long as Sai assured me that he was with me during the whole incident, I must assume that it happened for some good reason. But what’s good in me getting ashamed and depressed?
In 2010, my Father was hospitalized I had prayed that I offer my hair in Tirupati. I did not do it until now. I also have a feeling that I think too much of myself these days. I wish to offer my hair to Lord Venkateswara as soon as I get chance to travel. He’s very sweet in the way he gave me visions.
Sri Venkateswara – The God who opened eyes for chanting his holy name
Anyway…I apologized to Saibaba for writing about all that he wanted me to keep as secret. Sometimes, when we are disappointed, we ignore what our Guru has done to us. We act as if we are too smart. Anyway, Din’t I pray for these girls over the years as I did to my own Sis? So its OK.
You did something to console me Sai.
It will take sometime for me to come out of it.
You hurt me.
Atleast agree that you made me go through this and hurt me pathetically Sai.
Venkat
Om sai sri sai jaya jaya sai