Sai,
I feel really tired now a days and not doing any work at night. I simply sleep and feel weak these days. I like walking so much but past one week, I have severe leg pain and I could feel it when I go to sleep but I don’t do anything especially because I like this pain.
Sometimes, you really don’t have a reason to take care of yourself. I go to work, do some stuff, speak to friends, Laugh as I wish, then if possible am going to Saibaba temple in the evening or coming home directly.
I am fed up with my life, my prayers and all these stuff. I feel its really enough living and better let go of this life. I am not depressed or something but I think why on Earth should I take life so seriously. May be Sai has some other plans for me. May be I am going to roam as a monk in Himalayas but that won’t happen because Sai knows I love my parents and I wish to make them happy.
I just feel its over now and fed up asking you to do this and that to me. I lost myself in my search. I feel dejected also. I feel its all a drama. We just play our role based on our own ego and attitude. I am not good. I am really not good because I don’t follow Sai’s words and I don’t have patience.
I hurt everyone too. Sai baba knows my real nature. May be I have to change myself. May be I am going to ruin all my life living like this.
Its 12.10 at night and suddenly I felt like writing this. I know that I sound stupid when I write this but honestly, its expression of myself when I feel that I don’t like to be so weak and lazy. I became so lazy these days. I don’t do any work. I better don’t get married because I am not responsible. I am selfish and that’s why Sai too felt its better if I live single. I can’t adjust any girl. I only do what I want to do. I am really really one of the worse human being on earth…
I may feel really embarrassed for this post and might delete it sometime later…I am too tired…eyes are drowsy and this is how I feel about myself. I really mean all that I wrote because I feel if I keep expressing myself as someone good, then it adds to my ego. A Sai servant can’t be egoistic. May be there are so many bad qualities in me which Sai wants to correct.
OK good night.
and don’t think am blabbering…I am in a process of learning who really I am..he he…may be I am a monster. An animal or even worse…he he…
OK good night all of you.
Keep reading Sai Satcharitra, do naam smaran and keep doing good
Sai, please appear in my dream and guide me. I don’t know what to do with this life.
Tata
Venkat
Edit: Tried to answer Eshwar’s question below..
Thanks for your kind words Eashwar. I understand what you say but my intention was to convey a message. I have guided hundreds of thousands of Sai devotees in the past 10 years. I call it Sai’s gift to me to show a way to devotees.The problem is, I get really frustrated with Saibaba for not showing me a way but its just a momentary anger.Anyway, I love Sai and Its between me and Sai. I won’t leave him and he won’t let me go.
Secondly, How long am I going to portray myself as Good.A Sai servant must never do any work just because he gets good name (and fame.). Tomorrow, the whole world could be against me and call me wrong and I must not change a bit in my principle to do Baba’s work. If I am serving Sai just for being appreciated that I am doing good, then will I stop serving him when am discouraged and called a stupid or fool?
I want to accept reality that everyone who serves Gods and Saints are at times, insulted and hurt. I have to bear it. I can’t be good in all situation.
One more aspect is a message I wish to leave behind even after I die – Someone serving Sai is not good just because he/she serves Sai. So people must not trust them just for their good deeds. You know people only when you get to know them personally for few years. Example – My parents, sister and close friends knows how good I am and what are the things I must change.
I won’t write bad about myself again but as of now, this message keeps me shed off my ego that I am too Good. I want to be as ordinary as possible in the feet of Sai. I don’t have anything else in all 3 worlds other than Sai. Thanks again for your kind words.
Note – I usually don’t reply in comments section but now a days seems its happening and hence I added this answer to the article as I know many devotees were not comfortable with this. Sometimes, I want to be true to myself. I am only in the path towards being Good holding Sai’s palm.
Venkat
Sai ram venkat sir
Why fear when I am here?
We humans wants an instant reply to ur prayers that is the root cause of our sadness. Why we forget his two magic mantras ‘faith’ n ‘ patience,’ . Tension , fear, doubt arises where there is lack of faith ..Ur worries , fear are acting as wall between sai n us which causes hindrance in sai s path to shower his grace on us.. Baba will shower his blessings on us the moment we destroy this wall of separation between him n us..probably this is what baba is trying to say whn he says…why fear when I am here? Destroy this wall of separation between u n me so that ur ways will become easy ..We ourselves are the reason of our worries. Where there is faith there should b no room for worries..alwaz remember him with faith he will take care of u.
edit:
Sairam Shweta,
I wrote this especially because I don’t want portray myself in a good light always. I also must express Sai din’t help me because I am also wrong in my part. Further, I when we do Sai seva, people trust us to be good always which is not right. I might not be good in few situations. Like, once my Sister told me, that i pray baba but am not really broadminded. I have seen many ppl expecting me to be real good in all situations and tell me “You pray baba and you did this.”
So its better to tell people following StarSai that “Well. I am also human. I am not all perfect. I just love saibaba.”
anyway…am getting late now..tata Thanks for your kind words – Venkat
Dear Venkat Sai…
Please don’t express your Monster/Animal or even worsening characters in this Star Sai though you are the sole owner… Why because simply it hurts the value I had towards your wordings and thoughts. You don’t know how you had influenced others thru your unconditional devotion towards Sai Baba.. This is not my suggestion; it is my humble request to you.
I would like to add one more point here, I was in a very similar situation on my professional life and that time only I was forced some how to read your Rahu Ketu effects and the method to worship Lord Durga ( hope you remember my email how I got your website and what was my feeling). I went to buy Lord Durga on a casual note, but do you know which Durga came to our house, Durga ma of Pattesswaram temple. Durga ma entered our house and I had got back lot of clarity in my thought and peacefulness. I started chanting Durga ma sloga as well as, as you had mentioned in your post – Om Sai Durga.. Om Sai Durga… Om Sai Durga… Feeling my improvement towards my goal which is nothing but surrendering my soul towards Sai…
P.S. I had sent you an email about Durga ma in Patteeswaram temple. Please read it. Thanks.
Jai Sai Ram…
Edit – I shall try to answer you and add it in above article.
Dear Venkatji,
Shall I say that I am surprised? Overwhelmed? Or shall I say Venkat is having a bad day?
Not at all.
Sometimes, life takes you on a journey, one where you follow blindly without a map. What happens then? You are worried that you are wandering aimlessly, no map no directions. Is it not?
But then who is the navigator here?
Sai himself and what is the purpose of this journey? To strengthen your faith in him.
He can see the greater picture, we cannot!
Love yourself first Venkatji because you cannot criticize someone who is Sai’s child (yourself). Do your duty.
Dharmam rakshati rakshitah!
You are doing great service to mankind.
God bless you!
Meenakshi
Surrendering to u completely ……….i am leaving my studies and my life at your feet……you blessed me with good academic career…..and loving parents..
.you know whats my problem is…show me d way baba….pls shw me d way….i knw it may be dif frm wht i expected…but b wth me hold my hand tight durng dus period…pls….. Give solution to lead peaceful life.