Sairam friends,
I have been writing a lot about some relationship issue that I have been going through in StarSai for the past 2-3 month. Honestly, its all my own imagination or the right word could be “Assumption”. So why did I suffer so much when nothing in reality happened. Nothing actually started for it to end. Nothing in real. It’s simply an imaginary story between my Sai and myself. Atleast, to the external world that’s how it looks.
How does it look internally?
It’s really painful and this pain is excruciating for that’s the kind of relationship and understanding I have with my Saibaba. If he says something once, I will grab it tight for lifetime. If he likes something, I will do it. If he hates something, I will hate it. If I do something Sai hates, he will get into myself and does something both scary and peculiar. When I am about to write what he does, he warns me not to do it. Ha ha..
A SecretÂ
Sai…You are such a tricky saint. You allow me to show myself in a bad light writing about girls but when I wanted to express my divine experience with you, you are very strict and don’t want me to reveal it. This is called the “Secret” that exists between a Guru and his stupid devotee like me. I am stupid because if you do what ever Sai says, the world will consider you to be one. Nothing else. You will loose your reputation. You will be feeling ashamed. I had such experiences for the past 10 years but still I am the same.
For my current situation and the state of my life, such exeperiences are completely unnecessary. I must have acted with some maturity. I must have been more careful. I was too much hooked to Sai dreams and behaved ignorantly.
What do you think when ever I write Sai is my Antaryami?
I always use this word antaryami meaning Sai’s real Dwarakamai is your own soul. Your heart. He lives there. None knew what I mean when ever I say “Sai lives in my heart”.
It’s not a poetic or descriptive word. When I do something good, Sai never bothers. I will be myself.
If I do something he don’t like, he will literally torchure me and convey the message that he hates what I am doing.
This is a spiritual secret which I cannot and should not reveal to anyone publicly. May be, the girl I marry might knew about it because she will be around me but none else could understand what I mean by this. This has to be personally experienced to actually understand. As my Father worries, I won’t be a saint but none knew that a saint is living inside me. He lives inside you too. Inside everyone who reads this but how far did you go to realize that he lives in you?
This Sai Baba of Shirdi is cool to worship. If you are someone who occasionally goes to temple, reads Sai Satcharita, Write Om Sai Ram to fulfill a desire and maintain this distance between you and him, he will also stay little away from you as a Saint and God.
There are devotees who goes one step ahead of this. These people will have more experiences from Baba.
And then there are people like me who are crazy about Saibaba. This doesn’t mean that I don’t do mistakes. This just means, I keep Sai as the Sun in the Solar System of my life. Sai will be my light and I would come around him day and night. His words are my everything.
Even the recent episode according to me is very indecent because I am a guy who whole heartedly pray for every single girl and guy I come across in day to day life. I have soft corner for everyone. Even when the girls I used to like brokeup with me, I was initially hurt but later I told Sai to bless them with all happiness in life. I told Saibaba, is some other guy different from me? If some other guy is gonna marry a girl, go ahead and make it happen. I will be happy about it.
Over the years, Sai has taught me to see myself in every life and every life in my soul. So let the flow of story go towards reality. Why should Sai pull me into this imagination?
When I started it, it was my own mistake but when Sai started showing dreams, I could not understand why should Sai say something unreal. I keep writing about this issue because I am trying to understand Saibaba in the whole episode.
The current pain I am going through is completely imaginary. Just that Saibaba kept telling me something and I always listen to his words. In the end, when I got ashamed, I am wondering why all this happened? My Baba always warns me. He always tells me what’s right and wrong. What’s my age and what’s the maturity people would expect from me? Why din’t I think about life practically. Further, Baba very subtly told me the truth through few songs in dream. So what ever I am going through is not all because of a girl. I don’t even know this girl personally to be truthful.
It’s just between my Sai Baba and myself.
He told me something and I just assumed. Gradually, he told me the truth. So I keep asking “What’s the use of all this Saibaba?”
We both speak to each other and he used to react to my questions. I was very adamant in this issue for several reasons but the most prominent amoung all is for telling me specific names. Untill yesterday, I was angry with Saibaba for doing this to me. Today, I realized its better to keep away from all this because the more I ask Saibaba to explain me why he gave such dreams, the worser will be my relationship with my Baba. I am still not convinced with Sai’s reply but that’s OK Baba.
The best example to show my adamant nature is this. If I woke up at 6 A.M without any dreams, I try to lay down again and do all that I can do to sleep. My demand was when I am confused so much, you better clarify me in dream. And surprisingly, Sai used to bless me with a dream atleast on few days.
I cannot tell any of you why I am like this. I am not unique but I never lost anything in life for trusting Sai dreams and hints. I have only gained.
Today, I came home, lit lamp in front of Sai baba and told him something. I don’t wanna say what I spoke to Baba.
Rest is Sai grace
My eyes are closing now friends..
Venkat
