Living an artificial life

Sairam friends,

Now a days I feel unnatural about so many things in me and around the world we all have created. Its so artificial that we missed the real thing. I feel sad inside but externally I do all shorts of stupidity with my friends and keep showing my teeth for no reason. I was doing a imaginary story about my friend that he is a smuggler and he will be going to New york to head some gangsters….he he….My friend din’t turn to work and felt why I do such things when he is actually sick.  At night I apologized him.

I was also making fun that I am going to buy a painting kit and work on master pieces like Da Vinci. They said first you draw with pencil. I said, I am going to do contemporary art and it can be done only in Oil painting…he he…I won’t do it because painting kit is too expensive. Am simply fascinated by painting.

I have lots of wish list now a days.

I want this..I want that….I want to upgrade my Digital Camera…I want to create a site where devotees can send Sai Stories through ecard.

There is another artificiality. I don’t like this event of cutting cakes for birthday and this year for Gods sake I don’t want it for me. I am too old to celebrate birthdays and thankfully it comes on a holiday. So its good for me. I don’t like the very event of cake cutting and requested my friends to skip this alone. They said, Its for their happiness and can’t let me go. Lets see…

I can take them for treat as I feel good going out. I believe we created cake cutting as an event of having fun. When I am really not happy with my life, such events doesn’t make sense to me at all.

Anyway, I don’t think its permanent and I might have to find other ways to earn my living. I am not really comfortable with someone here and wish shows me a way.

Now a days many times I think Sai doesn’t want me to marry at all and there could be a good reason for it. May be I am not responsible and already old enough. So why not spend few more years as single? May be my parents will be worried about it but if that’s what Sai can bless me with, they naturally have to accept it.

I requested Saraswathi to guide me on what I should be doing but she also doesn’t bother me and I feel really dejected.

So on a whole I am living an artificial life. Its like we live for people around us. We do things for the external world and not for our soul’s call.

I wish to do a documentary on Sai devotion and travel length and breath of India. Its one of the dream Sai himself wanted me to work on. Wonder when and how I am going to do it?

The reason I am writing such articles which really has nothing to do with Sai or spirituality is this. There are times when no matter how devoted we are, nothing will be positive about our life. Many devoted people will deviate from their faith during such times. Not all day are special and Sai himself spent many days sitting in Dwarakamai talking to 2-3 of his close devotees.

Its only after 1910, the last 8 years during Baba’s life time that there used to be huge crowd to have darshan of Saibaba. Even during these years, when ever Sai wants, he prefers to sit with his close devotees in Dwarakamai and spend time with them.

We can’t expect Sai to help us just because we are worried.

We really have to bear it all and be calm.

I am bearing all this artificiality in me and around me,

Love,

Venkat

Little servant of Shirdi Saibaba