Telling my life openly to the world is the most painful thing I face

Sairam friends,

I must have kept some of my personal issues within myself. It doesn’t take a minute for me to decide to hide all these experiences I am going through. I can act to the whole Sai community that I am a clean slate. Tell me what will happen then? Thousand years later, someone might take out these writings as manuscripts and imagine that there was someone called Venkat who served Saibaba. He was so pure. His heart was like Gold etc.

Is that true?

I am a normal human being. Being too devoted to Sai or serving Sai has not done much to my desires or what I am as a person. I wanted to show that someone who loves Saibaba immensely too has to face such difficulties. The only difference here is this. Others get attracted to someone or influenced on their own and in my case occasionally Sai tells me something in dream and I trust it word by word. But real life is different and people only might assume I am misunderstanding, foolish or idiotic.

May be, I am. This is not new to me. I have suffered in past too trusting Sai dreams. Its not that he is playing with me. Its just that he takes too much rights on me and he knows what ever happens, it can’t shake my love for him. This time, I was adamant just because he must have not let this happen in an environment I was always careful. Today, while I was at work, I thought about this article I wrote

What if I am a Father of a grown up girl?

At times, I felt very very painful because before I published it, I was too embarrassed. I thought “Baba, why should I express all my personal effort to see someone in a different light so publicly?”

It was late night but I lit lamps, wrote in chit either to keep it personal or write in StarSai. It came that I must write in StarSai and hence I did. But when I was at work, I asked myself “Why should I tell this to the world?”. Its my own pains and problems but if you think seriously, this too could be a lesson to someone.

Many years back, My Brother in law gave me an advice that I always keep in mind

“Venkat. To love only one person and to show all your love on them alone is also a very selfish behavior”. 

The point is, people who are in a relationship are too much hooked to one girl or one guy. When they go through a breakup, they are not able to come out easily. Its wrong. The problem is, to love that one person alone like crazy doesn’t prove that your love is true.

You take Sai’s love for instance.

Does he show any difference in the way he shows his love on any two devotee? Once a devotee who stole money from office came to Shirdi. His Manager too was in Shirdi. Saibaba protected this man who stole money. Warned him not to do it again and sent him back to Mumbai.  So Sai has loved both a thief and a Rich owner alike.

You too must learn to love everyone equally. Ofcourse, when you are in a relationship, you feel like giving your life for that one person but you can do it living far from them. To love someone is to let them live their life as they desire. If things goes well, you marry. If it doesn’t go well, is it right to hurt the girl or the guy whom you trusted?

You must learn to keep away from them and let them live their life. 

In my case, I have done this on several occasions. When one of this girl I liked got married, I lit lamp for her and prayed for her. I wonder why I did it though. Its  a way of showing your care too. Liking someone doesn’t always have to end up in getting married. There’s so much to life than getting married to the one whom you loved.

This evening, I forced one of this guy to come with me as I wanted to get some shirts. We went to Mall talking lots of stuff. I want him to stay in my home tonight but he left as it wasn’t raining. When I saw myself in mirror I can’t justify why I should like anyone to myself? I just don’t know how all these events happened. Its my mistake and I will regret it for lifetime. What more I have in life? I don’t see that any of my dreams are going to come true. May be, Saibaba gave me such dreams as its my last birth and he wants me to go through all the sufferings, disappointments and insults with such incidents.

 

As I get old, I completely lost interest in getting married because in India, marriages doesn’t happen the way I see what ‘Love” is. I just know that I will get married because Sai has told this to me through several dreams. One of the most painful thing about the last 4 years is that, Sai baba has always said “No” when ever I like someone or someone likes me. Sai was very clear about his “NO”. This time too, if he has said No, I would have silently kept everything within myself. This is the only reason I argue with him. Why encourage me and embarrass me like this Sai? Is it right on your part?

I just wish to follow Sai’s words with heart and soul. In every single small issue, Saibaba has guided me in dreams.

You won’t believe how Saibaba takes care of me. Even during my recent Mumbai visit in March 2016, I traveled by train for 2-3 days. On the 5th day, Sai asked me not to go by train as some stranger might bother me on that day in train. So that day, I took an auto with my friend to work place.

Why should Saibaba make sure even a small bad incident must not happen in my life. What’s max going to happen? Is someone going to hurt me or hit me in train? Why shouldn’t Sai let that happen?

Many people tell me why do you trust such dreams Venkat? Its not dreams. If you think about someone or something and sleep, you will obviously get dreams. Agreed. I don’t deny. But you know what? I am Sai’s Man. I live and Die for his words and I take all my dreams are from Saibaba.

I must either trust Sai fully or I must simply keep away from him. Even when I wrote the article that I wish to see this girl as her Father, its because I don’t want to spoil the relationship I have with my Sai. When I kept complaining and blaming him that he only encouraged me and in the end, left me alone, its like I am not with him.

If you trust your Sai. Be with him. The whole world will say you are a fool but hold him tight. His words are so powerful. 

He could have tested me too. We never know. He might have simply tested if this Venkat will continue to love me even when I say something that is not all possible and make him go crazy about it. Fine. I don’t mind my Sai testing me. Just that I did not like the environment he choose to test. He must have done that outside. Any where outside. This brings tears to me even when I write this.

And I am happy for the whole episode

I will tell you why I am happy?

Its very painful but I sometimes feel happy. In the past 4-5 years, when ever I like a girl or when my parents suggest a girl or even when Sai says some girls like me, he has always warned me in a dream saying this isn’t right for you. I used to get really scared due to such dreams. But I will wake up and decide to be careful. I will keep within myself and move on.

I used to wonder a lot about one strange thing. These girls aren’t that bad Saibaba? Then, why did you warn me? This time, Sai never warned me. Which means, I atleast know this girl is really good hearted. What do I loose in life for liking someone whom Sai seems to like? I just faced some embarrassment. It was painful but it was certainly not something I must feel sad about.

I am not out of it. It will take sometime for me to forget but I am taking efforts. Its not that hard.

Even someone my close Sai friends messaged me to say “First you said Brother..Now Father…Why all this if you can’t change your mind? You can’t see everyone in that perspective.”

 

May be, true but I have to do some tricks to keep myself strong irrespective of how painful it is for me to go through this.

I am tired now and trust me, writing my personal life like this is the most painful thing I face.

I am still waiting for Saibaba to guide me clearly.

I am sleepy now

Venkat