I gave respect to Sai’s words. Now I wish to move on…

Sairam friends,

It all started in the beautiful little home in Mumbai. It was March 2016. I was on a weeks official visit to Mumbai. I was in Kakasaheb Dixit ji’s house for the evening Aarti. As some of you might know Kakasaheb was such a staunch devotee of Baba when Sai lived in Shirdi. Kaka had purchased a land in Shirdi near Sai’s Dwarakamai. When Buti wanted to build a Wada, it seems Kakasaheb ji gave it to him. So this is a family which gave the land to build Butiwada where the present samadhi of Sai is worshiped by millions of Sai devotees.

One of my Sai friend Padma aunty told me to visit the house of great grandson of Vishnu Pitale.

I wrote about it here – Sai Baba who spoke to me in Mumbai came to me when I need him most

It’s always a grace to get into a house where one of their ancestors has actually seen Baba, touched him and spoken to him. It took some time for me to find this house. Finally, I reached their house. It must be around 7-8 o clock. An elderly lady with a smile asked me to worship the Panchaloka Sai statue. When I folded my palm, She told this in Hindi

“You pray looking at him. He will speak to you.”

I smiled to her and looked at this Sai.

Somehow, I could feel Sai is speaking to me – This is what I could get as a message.

“Go to Coimbatore. You have your girl there”.

Next day was my flight back to Coimbatore. I was happy. Happy because I had been to Shirdi after 7 long years. I wrote about it in this article – Peaceful Sai Baba darshan in Shirdi

Once I reached Coimbatore, I learnt that my Father had stomach ache and never told it to anyone since I was away. The next day, we just casually went for check up. It was devastating when we learnt my Father had bladder cancer. My heart chocked and I had no idea how to even tell what’s in the report to my Mom. We struggled a lot for the first few weeks. Thankfully, by Sai’s grace, my Father got healed.

What would anyone ask Sai in such a situation. I told him “Baba. You said, I am going to meet my girl. Instead, my Father got sick. I don’t need any girl because my Father is my treasure.”

I never bothered any girl at work. I had always been careful for years. Somehow, in July 2016, I was curious about this girl. But felt she’s little one and left it. Its my own desire. I didn’t realize the price I might have to pay for this desire in the months to come.

From August 2016, I kept asking Sai – Probably, is she the one because I didn’t come across anyone else. I was in Chennai during September first week of 2016. I went to Sai mandir in Mylapure and West Mambalam and kept asking Sai to give me an answer.

On September 13-14 2016, I had a dream. It was the first dream which made me go crazy.

I wrote to this girl because I work in an organization where their culture is still in early 1990’s. So I always prefer not talking to any girls unless I have official reasons to speak to them. She must have got annoyed by my mail. Later, I felt its not right to have such desires. If Sai shows such dream, it could have been for some reason – May be I am indebted to her. So in October 2016, I spent 10 days reading Sai Satcharita and offered prayers for her.

A day before my Birthday on November 3rd,  She requested not to write her any more. The day before I had a dream. Those days, my friend used to drop me in his car regularly. Infact, I won’t travel by my car just because I enjoy having a conversation with him while he is driving back home. He usually drops me in Saibaba colony. That night, it was too late and we were on way  to our home. He used to interpret my dreams better than me. I was really depressed and hence he stopped his car infront of our house for 10 minutes and listened to me.

Here’s the dream.

It was like a College environment. I see many girls and guys in a varanda. I see this girl walking out of the class room. I wanted to tell her something but I din’t tell her. She left the place. I also feel sad that I was not able to speak to her until last minute. I also walk away. 

That’s it.

He told me the dream is like a Tamil film Idhayam. We laughed sitting in his car. But he never knew I take every little thing related to Sai dream as a message from Sai.

Earlier, I had heared these words “End Card’.

I ran into my house, got fresh, turned on my Computer and saw the last scene of the movie. The climax of this movie was shot in a Railway station. I kept watching until the last frame.

When I saw the very last frame – End card, I was shocked. I knew there certainly is a reason why Sai showed me such a dream.

The same night, I did a video for Sai children who are facing a breakup – Get rid of depression. Start Something Fresh!

The series of dreams started from November 2016. Every 2 weeks, I will have a dream related to this girl.

Some of the dreams also had the name of this girl.

I started living in dreams.

Every night, I hug Sai book and ask Saibaba to bless me with a dream and he will do justice to my prayers once in a while. I cherish every single dream Sai showed me about this girl.

I have dated every dream. I know message I got in each dream.

The only painful fact is this – There will be no relationship between dream and reality.

The most painful aspect of the whole episode is this.

I asked Sai if its right on his part for this reason.

Two things which wounded me deeply was 

1. Sai must not show dream of a girl who has someone else in her heart. Sai did. I wrote her. Now I had already committed a mistake. Tell me if I should hold on to Sai’s words or pray for her and move on?
2. Sai must have not let me react to the dream immediately. My Guru always stops me when ever I am about to do a mistake. This time, he never controlled me. I am feeling guilty until now.

Secondly, it was not one dream. I had over 30 to 40 dreams in the past one and half year. So it was like Sai asking me to be calm and hold on.

I had been in relationship in past. I had suffered to core. Those days, I used to have dream but it won’t be positive. Sai will only tell me better keep away from this girl. Else, you will suffer for life time. So I would assume, Sai saved me.

When it comes to this girl, accept for 2 dreams, all other messages were positive.

Even my friend who helps me interpret my dreams used to make fun of me that when Sai said negative about other girls, you took it as a message and moved on. Why are you holding on to this girl even when Sai showed 2 dreams in which messages were negative.

I always tell him – No No..She’s good-hearted. So I have ignored those dreams.

He used to laugh and tell me  – That’s because you like her and hence you are only choosing dreams in which messages were positive.

Anyway. Every single day in 2017 went on with lots of confusion. I was severely wounded at heart. I did not understand what Sai expects me to do. I was held up as I respect his dreams.

Sai will give up his life to make his words come true.

So we must never go beyond his words unless he gives us permission to do so.

I never behave matured or like grown up in every aspect. I had always played around. Probably, this is why I had enough guts to like this girl.

In 2017, I had lots of hair loss which made me feel even more guilty. For the first time in my life, I feel that I am not supposed to bother any girl for that matter. Why did I do it? Why didn’t Sai stop me from writing to this girl. If I had kept calm until December 2016, I would have never mailed her and just moved on. She would have been just another girl whom I just come across at work place.

But that was not to be. It’s my karmic bond which made me write her.

All these these 16 month, I had even spent time crying to Sai when I am alone. I plead him not to take me to a state where my depression will cause health issues. There are days I used to wake up late night or early morning and try to analyze why all this happened. I used to ask him – Baba who’s this girl? We don’t even know her as a friend. Tell me what to do now?

Few days back, I took my parents to the Saibaba temple near my office during a weekend. My Ma saw a little white flower and told me, offer it to Lord Ganesha regularly and he will bless me. She told me that she got her life back only after offering these white flowers to Ganesha when we were kids – I wrote about my Mom’s story in my book – Sai Mother

I prayed Saibaba to show me a way.

Thankfully, few days back, I had a dream in which I saw myself in a Ganesha temple and the priest is telling me to think and decide how to proceed.

Today, I took my parents to a Hill temple of lord Murugan and to my surprise, found the Lord Ganesha statue exactly tallied with what I saw in dream. I worshipped him and took my parents to Sai mandir near office.

I went to Nagasai Mandir during aarti all alone.

I wanted to take a decision for sure today because this girls issue is humiliating me for too long.

I went near my favorite little Sai in Dwarakamai and asked him to guide me.

It seems he wants me to move on. I told him the basic difference

There’s a difference between desiring a girl and respecting Sai’s words in dream.

The first 2 month when I saw this girl – It was just a desire. After that from September 2016, I kept holding on to her, remembering her and always praying for her. This is not desire on a girl. I personally consider it as a respect I show for my sweet Sai’s words.

I am not matured enough for this world. All I know is Sai and I will live by his words.

I told Baba that he kept telling me about this girl and I kept praying for her with heart and soul.

All I desired was to tell her all these experiences so that I will get some clarity on why Sai is showing these dreams?

I can’t even see her on face because I feel really embarrassed. She’s busy with her life. I also don’t have any opportunity to be a good friend of her. I might never speak to her for lifetime.

So as of today, I have taken a decision.

I am going to think like this

May be, Sai showed all those dreams for 3 reasons

1. I am indebted to her and supposed to do good to her. I can only pray for her and I did that sincerely.
2. I would have sinned some girl in some birth. Hence, I am supposed to live a life based on dreams which would never come true. May be, Sai wants to wash away my sins by making me go through this pain between dream and reality.
3. May be, this girl is so good that Sai wants a fool like me to chant for her, go to temples for her, do all pooja for her. All said and done!

Today, I told him –

“I did everything for her. I am happy for this. I have never prayed so much for any other girl in my life. So let her be happy. Let her be blessed with a good married life.”

Just give me some peace of mind.  I wish to end this episode as of today Baba.

I told him that I will continue to pray for her but I can’t be obsessed with the dreams.

I wish to move on.

There’s a reason why I have to write this in StarSai.

This is a message

It’s not easy to call oneself as a Sai servant. When you are deeply devoted to Sai, he puts you into various experiences. You will go through hell. It will be unbearable. You must still hold on to Sai. 

I consider the whole 16 to 18 month of my experiences related to this girl as an exam. I am not sure if I have passed the exam but I don’t regret it because I have only did good to her through my prayers.

Now. I am totally fed up with life.

I can’t bear this unreal life any more Sai.

Please accept my apologies if I did any mistake by taking this decision.

My heart and soul belongs to you and I belong to you Sai.

Please show me a way.

Om Sai Ram

Venkat