Sacrificing my privacy to serve Sai

Sairam friends,

(Edit – This article I wrote yesterday is of no use. Read Sai Satcharitra, keep remembering Sai in your heart and be blessed. I shall write something better tomorrow as today am really not knowing what’s in Sai’s heart and simply kept looking at monitor thinking should I write today or be calm)

I am depressed from last night. I don’t know what’s going to happen or may be Sai has a better plan for me. I came home. Did nothing useful and slept off.

This morning when I woke up and wanted to write something in StarSai, I was wondering what I have been doing all these days. I have been writing Sai articles, Some good stuff and also devotees experiences. Apart from this, I basically tell my story. I might not be able to do this life time because people need Sai’s stories. What’s the use of telling what’s going on in my life.

By writing about my life, I have become one among ordinary Sai devotees because people can easily relate to me. I know many in similar situations could realize they are not alone when they learn about what I am going through. Today, I just felt a deep pain in me thinking what it takes to share one’s personal life publicly to thousands of people who comes to StarSai.

People just come here. Read and Go. Its like my life is like a story and Sai makes me entertain people’s interest in learning about someone’s life and how he’s into Sai devotion. I can’t simply share my dreams without telling my personal life because that won’t be meaningful. Did Saibaba ever think of me letting go of my privacy trying to portray Sai’s role in my life. I don’t think so. Saibaba just thinks its OK for me to write as long as his devotees are benefited.

Adding to this, It pains me that I had to write so much about my effort to get married and what ever I go through in the past couple of years.

Lets take it like this.

During Sai’s life time Kaparde wrote dairy of his everyday experiences with Baba which was published years later. Look at me? I am writing “Live” Stories of my life and it truly hinders me as a human being who has rights to keep things to himself.

To be honest, Sai never asked me to do it. I write about experiences because I want people to realize Sai is not a “Everyday miracle worker”. He gives but not as soon as you ask for it. It might even take years for Sai to fulfill your wishes. Every article of mine just tells this message of “Saburi – Patience”.

I show that I have been having immense patience and I am used to it.

At one point, I naturally have to give up my desires and interest in Materialistic life. I lost my interest to marry or have a family of my own and am perusing to pray Sai that I be blessed with a good girl as its my parents desire that I get married. Last night, I asked Sai if he thinks I will be more happy without getting married.

2 days Back, I told my Mom the story I wrote and she said, its like real story but why Saibaba is not helping you. I told her, may be we 3 of us will die like this and we are happy only as of now. The problem is not with Sai. Its with me as I don’t accept anyone in my life that easily. I suffered enough in past and I will only marry if Sai tells me to even if any girl do likes me.

And am old enough.  I lived so many years alone and I can pass on few more years like this. Its not a big deal accept for the fact that my parents will think no one is there to care for me.

I wrote this article because many might think that I am sharing my life so easily. NO. I used to be very secretive from my childhood. It hurts me at times, Someone who was close to me in past will come here to follow my life but they won’t say a word. So I am telling you my story. Entertaining you. At the cost of sharing my incidents which happens in my life?

What ever anyone writes or thinks after reading this article, I wrote it for what I am as a human being. Not as a servant of Sai. I wrote it for myself because I am also a human being. My life is like a piece of joke I make to my friends.

Ok tata

Am getting late now friends

Take care

Venkat