My Small desire which Sai can’t fulfill

Sairam friends,

I was really upset with Saibaba and felt Sai really is not concerned about my happiness. I had a small wish which Sai was not able to fulfill as of now. It was really depressing. Usually, I try to adjust and just think its my own karma to experience disappointments. This time, I feel Sai is really not bothered about me.

For first time in 5 years, I din’t go to carry the Palki of Saibaba during Navratri in Shirdi Saibaba temple in my hometown. My friends din’t call me and I myself felt, there are so many guys doing service in temple these days and I don’t want to dominate. Baba is for everyone and I felt let my space be free for others to carry.

In our Colony Ganesha temple, the priest my father and his friends had made a very beautiful Saraswathi statue for Navratri. She was truly amazing and divine. My father kept searching for a little book to keep in Saraswathi’s palm. We could not find it. So he went to temple and made a Yedu – Vedas which Saraswathi keeps. He used yellow color in thermocol sheet and kept over the lotus flower. He asked me to have a look at it…

On the holy day of Vijaya Dasami, My Parents had given for Abishekam ( Holy Bath) in near by Bhadrakaali Amman temple. I usually go there once a while on way to work and have experienced her powers. We woke up early in the morning and went for Pooja. The priest did abishekam and offered an Violet Saree to Amman. He really knows the art of decorating Bhadra will chandan and her face looks so beautiful and divine. Bhadra means one who is fair and one who brings auspiciousness to her devotees.

After the Pooja, I came home and Amma asked me to offer flowers to the Gods and Goddess in Gollu and read any Book. I read the first chapter in Sai Satcharitra. I am a lazy head if I wake up early. So I slept off.

Internet connection is not working well for past one week at home and it really is bothering me. I have to post with mobile or use very slow net and post articles. So it doesn’t have alignment.

This year, I din’t go to Annadhan Seva in Saibaba temple too. I usually carry the water jugs and pour water to hundreds of devotees having food in hall and once in a while offer rice and other food items to devotees. Its all about being ready to keep away from external seva because thats not the only way we can serve Saints.

I know Sai expects something else from me and hope to do it in the days to come.

My sister tried to pay Hosting fee but it had some issues and we asked for 10 more days grace period. It really upsets me as I have to face difficulties even in little things which never happened all these years. My Sister told me not to worry and she will take care of it.

The past 2 evenings, I am going to Kamakshi Amman temple and Annapurani Temple. It truly love them so much. They have always been kind to me and blessed me a lot.

In Annapurani temple, they decorated her with Golden Kavasam and a horse infront of her. I offered little rice bag and lit lamps. I was really worried and prayed for my friend, my parents and sister.

Then I walked to Saibaba temple. I like walking and the past 2 days really enjoyed walking a lot. I don’t get chance to walk much during week days. So I try to walk during week ends. I truly admired the lamps kept in Shirdi Saibaba temple. It was divine and flowers added to its beauty. Other day, at work some girls lit lamps in a traditional lamp and I truly liked it. When ever I see lamps, I feel happy but at work, I wanted to control and be normal. I really could not and took few pictures…I din’t liked the result as I need more time and patience to do good photography.

At night, I came home.

A uncle had given Sai’s Udi from Shirdi. For first time in my life, I was not exited about Udi and told Amma, Sai can only bring Udi, So he did it. I was expecting my friend to come home and cleaned my Sai and Datta to make them shine in white. So it was really depressing when my wish was not fulfilled. I hope someday her parents like to come our home or may be it will never happen.

My Parents wanted me to help in arranging the Gollu statues back inside the boxes.

I was sitting like a dumbo and looking at them doing it. My Amma asked me to do work and do it with patience and not to hurry. She kept asking “Engaluku aprom Gollu vaipiyada”…..”Will you keep Gollu after us”. I shouted at her saying “She will be with me many more years and we will keep it for lifetime”.

Amma very innocently wrote a letter to the Amman statue that Venkat must get married by next year. Keep the gollu statues back is really hardwork and Amma kept saying only if you are blessed with good wife, she will do all this work patienctly and with interest.

I looked at Amma and told her “Unna paathale siripa varudhu…” “I pity you for having a son like me who has not given you any happiness.”

After we arranged everything, I told her “OK Now lets all sleep peacefully and Amma laughed at me saying that I get tired even for small work”.

As I laid down, I was remembering our past when my sister used to be in school. She used to demand a lot from us and was sick for a while when Amma motivated her. I told Amma, only because of her effort, she continued studies.

I often ask what Katya will do? Amma says she’s like me when ever they take her to Temple in U.S. She used to ask coins from her Father to offer every God and feels happy doing it.

I told Amma, I am not happy and satisfied with this Navratri. This is because I din’t read any holy books. Last year, I read Durga Saptashati and also during the last 2 days, I was really pained due to some reason.

I tried to be with my parents than going to Temple. I think everyone must spend time with their parents though its not always fun. I wonder if life is simply a series of events without any goal?

So why I wrote my Small desire which Sai can’t fulfill?

It is because we all have small desires in our day to day life and when things don’t happen as we desire, we get upset about it. We understand Saibaba can’t do big things for us as soon as we pray but the little things matters a lot. I always accept Sai when ever I face failures in my Life and move on. This time, Its just a small desire but seems its a big task for Saibaba to do. The Saint who rules 3 worlds can’t even do this for someone who eats, sleeps and breaths for him. It was really painful for me to accept it and move on but I have to because I love Sai for he alone is the architect of my life.

May be my desire is impractical and am not matured enough to realize that Saibaba really can’t make it happen. May be Its the belief I have in his dreams and assurances which makes me trust Sai will do it for me. May be I am really not good enough for Sai to make me happy.

Why I am here and What I am going to do. What really is my goal and what Sai expects from me if he can’t fulfill my little desire. May be Sai wants me to serve more and do good to many of his children.
After all, I am his little servant.

Love,
Venkat