Sairam friends,
There are Sai devotees who tell that they came to temple for 9 weeks and their desire got fulfilled. Some say that they Baba has changed their life after reading Sai Satcharita.
Well. It’s true. Some devotees realize the presence of Sai quite early in their path of Sai devotion.
But what about people like me who have crossed all these stages of Sai devotion? Now, I feel there’s nothing much for me to do.
Everyday, I go to Saibaba temple in Coimbatore, light 4 lamps, and worship favorite Sai in Dwarakamai and then walk to the main hall. I love the painting of Saibaba so much. Then, I have prasad if I like or I simply start to walk to Saibaba colony.
My Father tells me that I am not doing any physical activity and asks me to walk atleast few Kilometers a day.
Then, I come back to Saibaba temple, distribute prasad after night aarti and start to home.
Sometimes, I wait for my friend Prem to chat with him for a while. I have other friends too but I only stay back if Prem is on way to temple because he knows all about me.
Now, there’s a problem in this regular habit too
Two years back, I befriended one of this guy in temple who kept asking if I can help him get a job. He’s not educated but he’s quite good guy and does not have any bad habits.
He does some odd labor job and comes to temple every evening. Since I like to walk, I also let him join me for a walk every evening.
I learnt a lot about how ordinary people in India are struggling to earn their living through this guy.
The problem is recently, I found this guy being too playful.
He has gone to Shirdi for 15 days service. That doesn’t mean he should never look for a job for the whole month. People in temple started asking me why I shouldn’t I advice him to do some job?
I also felt that he’s become too playful and not realizing that he should accept any job because that’s his life. I told him pain and simple
“People in temple will speak well to you but they have their job and family. You should work hard, build a home for yourself and learn to survive with some job”
I agree that its hard for him to get job but I felt very bad that he was too casual with his life.
The past 10 days, I realized that I should not spoil him and told him that I don’t want to come to walk as I like to spend time coming around Dhuni – Sacred fire of Sai.
My Mom is also not well. So I felt like being in temple these days.
I also told him, he should come back from Shirdi and pick up some job. Only then, Saibaba will be happy.
I enjoy coming around Dhuni but imagine how it would have been in 2005? Saibaba temple had very few devotees visiting regularly. I was the only one coming around Dhuni for 3 hours every evening.
Those days were beautiful.
Now, So many devotees come to Saibaba temple and hence I don’t like to bother people by often coming around Dhuni.
I should have lit thousands of lamps in Nagasai mandir. I should have read Sai Satcharita handful of times. I have chanted Sai’s holy name in every breath I take.
Now, what’s remaining. Is there something I left behind?
I mean to say, I crossed the stage when I should do something to ask something from Sai.
Now, I know only think Saibaba expects from me is to remember him, keep mind pure and do whatever is good for myself and others.
Sai is always in me. In the walls of my heart.
On Sunday evening, I kept staring at Saibaba inside the main hall for a long time. I was standing outside in distance. I was able to get rid of my internet addiction by staring at Sai. I said to myself that I should never take my phone out and managed to live without looking at phone atleast for an hour.
So why should I simply stand for such a long time?
Well, I don’t want to walk in Saibaba colony.
I came around Dhuni for sometime but later wanted to stay calm. That’s it.
I don’t have enough patience to sit inside the main hall of temple.
I also like to be in temple.
So I have nothing much to do. I can simply stand and do nothing. Like a dumbo.
Today, I went to Saibaba temple, again stood infront of him outside temple and told him
I can only stand and look at you as my life is stand still.
I also don’t like to talk to any of my friends in temple. So I cut short with just few words. I love to look at Saibaba photo or statue for hours together. I just want him to know what I am going through.
Today, I thought of getting a Guru Charitra book to keep in my car so that whenever I come to temple, I could read it. I went and asked for the book and had a good chat with the Anna in Shop. I liked this man who spoke to me about all avatars of Lord Dattatreya.
I am a slow reader in Tamil but I like this specific edition of Guru Charitra. Its so beautiful.
I reached home, packed my travel Bag for Singapore trip and spoke to my Mom for few minutes. Its 12 at night and I am writing to you.
I don’t know where my life is taking me. I am depressed at times thinking why Sai gave me some experiences? Especially, the dreams Sai showed me in dream about my colleague all through 2016,17 and 2018 were stressful. I continue to plead Saibaba to clarify me on that.
Why should Sai show a stranger in dream? Why I can’t get an answer for the same until now?
Its not at all easy to live by Sai dreams. Saints works peculiarly and I wonder where its going to end?
I am feeling sleepy now.
Baba please be with me. Please tell me what to do with my life. I am simply standing somewhere staring at you.
Edit: Last night I slept only at 2 A.M. I hardly get 4 hours of sleep these days. Something is bothering me a lot and Sai wants me to have patience. Hope Saibaba shows a way.
Venkat
