Sairam friends,
On Monday, I was upset right from the morning. I kept asking Sai if its my fate to go through a situation where Sai shows a girl in dream, make me react to it and finally never bother to answer me or clarify when should he get me into this confusion?
Where is September 2016 and am we are now. Its May 2018. Every single day, I have asked Sai to guide me on why this happened? Its certainly not between this girl and me because I am a complete stranger to her. Its between me and my Sai. My Guru whom I respect with heart and soul must not let me down. Atleast not in an issue in which a girl is involved. It humiliates me to core and I lost myself and my dignity to survive.
I have taken several steps to divert my mind. I was working on my Startup until November 2017. I dropped it since Sai often makes me feel I can never be an Entrepreneur and shut my mouth and stick to my job. Later, I don’t have any other work at night to divert my mind. I watched several documentaries and started reading about issues in several countries and their culture. I made sure to myself busy until 1 or 2 at night so that I won’t worry much about this issue.
These days, I have lost my patience. I told Baba that its hightime he must bless me with clarity.
There’s a limit a humanbeing can wait irrespective of how bad a sinner he is. If Sai had shown this girl in dream once, its OK. Sai blessed me with several dreams and did not stop me from writing her also. Sai has stopped me even speaking to some girls. Why should he let me write to this girl alone?
So Sai shows me some dreams. Like a fool,I wrote to this girl and I will be named phychic. People will laugh at me. I decided to wait..wait..wait..I believed, someday, Sai would care to answer me. Until now, he never bothers to say me a word regarding why he got me into this mess?
If I am not fit for this world,this soul must have born in 18th century. I neither don’t know to live life beyond Sai dreams, nor I can withstand all this consequences.
The most painful part is, this is in my office which makes me feel even more upset. I have never bothered any girl all these years at workplace. The fact that I foolishly mailed a girl just because Sai showed her in dream makes me feel that Sai don’t care about my reputation at workplace.
Thankfully, this girl took it light and din’t bother me. What if She took otherwise and there’s a complain against me? Will Sai again say that its my Karma to face it?
Further, I often ask Sai “Why this purticular girl?”
I have a few girls who are my friends outside workplace. I would have never got so depressed if I had mailed them, talked to them or even roamed the whole world with them because they know me as a friend.
I don’t even have any interest in this girl any longer. I stopped looking at her and completely regret for writing to her. Externally, it looks like an ordinary issue but I can’t let go of it until Sai explains why I am torchured like this? All I need is justification for what I had gone through.
I wish to go out of this place Sai
My Mom really expected my Sister to come to India this August because its been 8 years since She came here. Yesturday, She asked us to come to the U.S atleast for a month’s time. My Sister feels good when ever my parents go to meet her. Now, that my parents are not as healthy as before, I have to take them. My Sister also desires that I must come to meet her. I am not sure if I will get leave for a month. I had never taken off more than 2-3 days all these 7 years. So not sure, how they would take it. I told my Sister that I will speak in office and let her know.
Though my parents had been to my Sister’s home thrice, I never ever desired to go to the U.S but now, I feel its better to run away from this place.
I hope it will atleast be a change for me. For more than a year, this is how my life goes.
Every night, I ask Sai to guide me in dream on why he showed this girl in dream. I wake with no clarity and believe atleast the following day Sai would show me a way.
This afternoon, I was so hungry but felt like I must show my anger on Sai and quit having lunch. I never do fasting to God as I can’t bear hunger. Sai must know that I am not happy with what he did to me and let him see me strave and be happy about it.
Later, At 5, I had snacks as I can’t remain hungry for long. I will do this strike without having lunch when ever I wish because Sai knows I can’t stay hungry. Sai must know that I am deeply wounded by what he did to me. I am not a fool to show my teeth when he has let me down and never bother to answer me for such a long time.
I went to the Saibaba temple near office at night. Nobody was there in Dwarakamai. So I spoke to Sai. I thought Saibaba will bless me with a dream last night as I showed my frustration without having food. I came home, had dinner and only then my Sister came online and asked us to come to the U.S.
I am not sure even this is possible because parents are weak to travel and we have to make it before winter.
I am totally hurt, humilated and confused almost for the past one and half years. I deserve this. Who knows which girl I had sinned in past birth? Sai will happily smile because I am the one who’s facing humiliation. Its not him right?
Even if I quit lunch and remain hungry, Sai seems to convey a message that “Forcing me for an answer doing such drama won’t give you a solution”
Many devotees write me that I am lucky to be guided by Sai dreams. True. But it also has other side to it. Reacting to dreams without thinking about consequences will only lead to such depression. I feel neglected by Sai.
The problem with me is that I have lots of free time to think. I must find something productive to do at night. If I divert my mind doing something useful, I won’t be like this.
Well. I love Sai and trust him. Sai has helped me through dreams in various issues. Its not that I don’t respect Sai and have patience. I just feel in this issue, I had maintained enough patience and still Sai is not convinced. I am not saintly to let go of the humiliation I faced. I am a human being and deserve an answer from Sai.
All the smile in me, all the laughter I have and all the fun I have for the past one year are fake. I simply cheat myself as if everything is normal. Honestly, I have not spent a minute without wondering why should Sai do this to me for being true to him all my life?
I can only vent out my worries writing in StarSai. I am confused now Sai. I have shed tears pleading for clarity. Please show me a way soon.
Venkat
